Friday, February 20, 2009

I Can't Make This Up ...

... I swear I can't.
Let me preface this with the fact that I think the following commentary is going to send me straight to Hell, the real one, not the one in the Cayman Islands. But one thing is for sure, if I go, I'll be laughing all the way there.
So, I saw a story on CNN earlier this week that a woman was attacked by her friend's pet chimp Travis who weighs more than 200 pounds. Excuse me, he weighed, because the cops killed that hairy-backed Bama.
OK, let me start from the beginning, according to a report on CNN, the woman showed up at her friend's house and the chimp just jumped on her and started biting and mauling her.
WOW!!! Talk about going "ape-shit!" *ROTFLMAO*
Anyway, the woman called 911 and screamed at the operator, "he's killing my friend!" The woman called her friend to the house to help her put the chimp, "who was like a son to her," back in the house after he used a key to "escape" the house. Apparently, Travis is a "trained" actor who has appeared in several commercials for Coke and Old Navy.
During the process of the attack, the woman stabbed the chimp with a butcher knife and hit him with a shovel to get him off of her friend, but neither affected him, the report said. She called 911 after all of that failed and she couldn't get him off of her.
The owner told police that earlier that day, Travis was acting a little "rambunctious" so she slipped a Xanax into the chimp's tea to calm him down.
Ya'll, Xanax is given to people who suffer from panic and anxiety disorders. They calm you down, but if you don't take it like clock work, you get all nervous and panicky and you sort of amp if you don't get it. The side effects include sedation, sleepiness, memory impairment, impaired speech, abnormal coordination and/or muscle action, and reduced sexual drive.
That last one doesn't matter for Travis, but you kinda get the point.
What I wonder is, if it was time for him to take another dose and he just went crazy or if it is apart of his nature.
So, the chimp's owner is 70, her friend is 55 and Travis was 14.
"What do ages have to do with it, Smarty?"
I'm so glad you asked. Every thing you read about primates, i.e. chimps, monkeys, apes, gorillas, will tell you that they flip when they become teenagers. Come to think of it, they are a lot like human teenagers.
Thankfully, human teenagers are able to speak and communicate their frustrations. Those primates have only their animal instinct to rely on and nothing else.
What I want to know is what in the HELL that elderly lady was she doing with an aging show-monkey living in her house the first place. Even Michael Jackson's weird ass had since enough to get rid of Bubbles when he turned 13.
And further more, why would she think that human medicine would work on an animal? I really hope her friend makes it through OK, but I'm with Katt Williams, how are we gonna be upset with an animal for acting like an animal?
If ya'll are anything like me, you really want to know what these animals are thinking about when they amp.
So me being the curious journalist that I am, I caught up with Bubbles in a California zoo via cell phone to ask him his thoughts about this tragic incident.
Here's what he had to say:
Smarty: So Bubbles, how you been? We haven't see you for a while.
Bubbles: I'm a'ight. They got me living in this fake ass rain forest feedin' me bananas every damn day like that's all I like to eat. Can I try a apple today? Your big human asses eat more than bananas, don't they think I want more than some damn bananas?
Smarty: OK, Bubbles, I understand.
Bubbles: No you don't. Until you eat bananas every day for 10 years, you can't tell me you understand me.
Smarty: OK Bubbles. So what do you think about Travis attacking the lady in Conneticut?
Bubbles: Good enough for her ass! I don't know why people don't understand that we is some wild animals. We don't wanna be kept in no cage. We don't like clothes and we eat more than bananas! And I heard that heffa slipped him a mickey in his tea. Dat's what she get!
Smarty: Alright Bubbles, you're on my daytime minutes and I know you got kids to entertain at the zoo. So I'm going to let you go.
Bubbles: Man, f%^k dem kids!


TravelDiva said...


First--That chimp picture is PERFECT!

Second--I heard about this. Xanax? Like a son to her? Sad sad older woman.

Smarty Jones said...

I was feelin' a little extra silly so I decided "why not?"

Eb the Celeb said...

I've moved on from this one... I'm still on the woman who stopped a dude from breaking into her car by giving him a wedgie (sp) and putting him in the headlock... Or the chick whose exboyfriend shot her in the head but the bullet got tangled up in her weave and never penetrated her skull... She was on the news and said I am keeping this weave forever... I hope she didn't mean in her head forever... that would just be straight nasty. ha!

The F$%K it List said...

You know you just as crazy as you want to be!

Love it.

Dee Dee said...

You are foolish. Daytime minutes. LOL.