Thursday, February 26, 2009

Everybody's Talking About Tyler Perry

It's either all good or all bad. I don't know of anyone who feels indifferently.
Earlier this week, a few of us got into a discussion about Perry on Twitter. I saw "Madea Goes to Jail" on Sunday and quite frankly I'm still cracking up. Perry's brand of comedy is not for everybody but those of us who enjoy it, really enjoy it.
I have purchased copies, certified not bootlegged, of the play "Madea Goes to Jail," which is my favorite of all the plays, and the movies, "The Family That Preys," "Why Did I Get Married?," "Diary of a Mad Black Woman," and "Madea's Family Reunion." So yes, I am a fan.
So the arguement from The Jaded Nyer and 12kyle was that Perry's brand of comedy is reminiscent of "shuckin' and jivin'" and his character "Madea" is a "lil' suspect" because he's a 6'5 black man in drag.
Because I am half-Gemini, I kind of see their point. I'll admit, some of the punchlines are a little simple and some of them are a little slapstick, but it is still funny. Well, I laugh at it and millions of others do too.
Some folks are actually comparing his work to misygonistic rappers saying that what he does is degrading to all black people. That I don't agree with at all. How is it that the work of one man tears down a whole race of people?
The way I see it is Perry is paving the way for a lot of filmmakers and actors of color. As a budding screenwriter who has yet to sell a screenplay, I've been researching how hard it is to get a black story greenlighted in LaLaWood. Not only did he get his stories greenlighted, he's doing them on his own terms. You gotta respect that even if you don't particularly care for his brand of comedy.
Perry's success with his plays and movies, both comedy and drama, have afforded him the opportunity to purchase and run successfully his own studios, production company and operate the two most-successful cable sitcoms to date.
Even if you don't agree with it, if you hate to watch his work, respect his hustle and don't belittle the people who enjoy it.
Obviously there is a market for wholesome entertainment that is not riddled with an abundance of profane language and soft porn sex scenes. And if you can relate to the characters, the stuff is hella funny.
I have never gone to the movies to find the meaning of life or to determine how people should act. I go to enjoy a good movie and to laugh when appropriate.
I don't want to get into a whole lot of this, but I guarantee you I know people who have a lot of the qualities that I see in Perry's characters, Madea included. While my mom has not had any run-ins with the law, she will certainly have you laughing like hell at the things she says and will hit you off with some wisdom at the same time - just like Madea.
As for Brown, there is a man in my home church who can't talk worth a damn who always wants to pray for somebody. My high school basketball coach was always ashy and God only knows where he got those shirts he used to wear.
I could go on and on, but my point is, people can relate to his work and we all just want to be entertained. Let us be entertained, dammit!

Friday, February 20, 2009

I Can't Make This Up ...

... I swear I can't.
Let me preface this with the fact that I think the following commentary is going to send me straight to Hell, the real one, not the one in the Cayman Islands. But one thing is for sure, if I go, I'll be laughing all the way there.
So, I saw a story on CNN earlier this week that a woman was attacked by her friend's pet chimp Travis who weighs more than 200 pounds. Excuse me, he weighed, because the cops killed that hairy-backed Bama.
OK, let me start from the beginning, according to a report on CNN, the woman showed up at her friend's house and the chimp just jumped on her and started biting and mauling her.
WOW!!! Talk about going "ape-shit!" *ROTFLMAO*
Anyway, the woman called 911 and screamed at the operator, "he's killing my friend!" The woman called her friend to the house to help her put the chimp, "who was like a son to her," back in the house after he used a key to "escape" the house. Apparently, Travis is a "trained" actor who has appeared in several commercials for Coke and Old Navy.
During the process of the attack, the woman stabbed the chimp with a butcher knife and hit him with a shovel to get him off of her friend, but neither affected him, the report said. She called 911 after all of that failed and she couldn't get him off of her.
The owner told police that earlier that day, Travis was acting a little "rambunctious" so she slipped a Xanax into the chimp's tea to calm him down.
Ya'll, Xanax is given to people who suffer from panic and anxiety disorders. They calm you down, but if you don't take it like clock work, you get all nervous and panicky and you sort of amp if you don't get it. The side effects include sedation, sleepiness, memory impairment, impaired speech, abnormal coordination and/or muscle action, and reduced sexual drive.
That last one doesn't matter for Travis, but you kinda get the point.
What I wonder is, if it was time for him to take another dose and he just went crazy or if it is apart of his nature.
So, the chimp's owner is 70, her friend is 55 and Travis was 14.
"What do ages have to do with it, Smarty?"
I'm so glad you asked. Every thing you read about primates, i.e. chimps, monkeys, apes, gorillas, will tell you that they flip when they become teenagers. Come to think of it, they are a lot like human teenagers.
Thankfully, human teenagers are able to speak and communicate their frustrations. Those primates have only their animal instinct to rely on and nothing else.
What I want to know is what in the HELL that elderly lady was she doing with an aging show-monkey living in her house the first place. Even Michael Jackson's weird ass had since enough to get rid of Bubbles when he turned 13.
And further more, why would she think that human medicine would work on an animal? I really hope her friend makes it through OK, but I'm with Katt Williams, how are we gonna be upset with an animal for acting like an animal?
If ya'll are anything like me, you really want to know what these animals are thinking about when they amp.
So me being the curious journalist that I am, I caught up with Bubbles in a California zoo via cell phone to ask him his thoughts about this tragic incident.
Here's what he had to say:
Smarty: So Bubbles, how you been? We haven't see you for a while.
Bubbles: I'm a'ight. They got me living in this fake ass rain forest feedin' me bananas every damn day like that's all I like to eat. Can I try a apple today? Your big human asses eat more than bananas, don't they think I want more than some damn bananas?
Smarty: OK, Bubbles, I understand.
Bubbles: No you don't. Until you eat bananas every day for 10 years, you can't tell me you understand me.
Smarty: OK Bubbles. So what do you think about Travis attacking the lady in Conneticut?
Bubbles: Good enough for her ass! I don't know why people don't understand that we is some wild animals. We don't wanna be kept in no cage. We don't like clothes and we eat more than bananas! And I heard that heffa slipped him a mickey in his tea. Dat's what she get!
Smarty: Alright Bubbles, you're on my daytime minutes and I know you got kids to entertain at the zoo. So I'm going to let you go.
Bubbles: Man, f%^k dem kids!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

About performance enhancing drugs ...

... I don't care.
For the past couple of weeks, news has surfaced that that super-phoine Alex Rodrigez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs back in 2003 when he played with the Texas Rangers.
The league didn't give a crap about steroids then so why should we? Now everybody's saying that calls all his achievements on the field into question because they don't know if he's been under the influence of a helper.
Honestly, I don't remember there being a whole lot of uproar on the part of anyone about steroids until the now deceased wrestler, Chris Benoit, offed his family and himself in a fit of 'Roid Rage. I'm not saying that wasn't sad, but he obviously was using too much or he shouldn't have been using that particular kind or something.
OK, I lied, I do care. I'm in favor of them, for the most part.
How is a sports fanatic like Smarty Jones in favor of "performance enhancing drugs?" I'm glad you asked.
Hear me out. As consumers and fans, we expect to see professional athletes do amazing things on the field, court and in the ring. Hell, you spend your hard earned money on those expensive ass jerseys, tickets and the expensive ass food in the arenas if you are fortunate enough to attend a game. Why shouldn't they put on an awesome show?
I'm not saying it should be like "Gladiator" where they have dudes fighting to the death, but damn, I don't want to pay $65 to see the Charlotte Bobcats get blown out when all they need to do is shoot up to get as good as their opponents!
I think if these guys are going to get juiced up, they should do it under the supervision of a trained, health care professional and not get all this crap on the black market that is causing their best asset to shrivel up and make them stupid and angry.
I swear man, if everybody could learn to kept their dang mouth shut like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, there wouldn't be any problems. Shoot, if the sports world would just go ahead and open up their minds, we can avoid scenes like this one:

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

No. 201 ...

Hey, whaddaya know, my last post was No. 200 and it's only taken me a little more than two years to get here. :)
It's been a helluva ride and there's so much more to come. Just you wait. I've got some stew brewing for the rest of the week!
Until then, in honor of post No. 200 (and 201 now), let's party ...

"Ya'll know what this is, it's a celebration b*tches ..." - Kanye West

Saturday, February 14, 2009

It's time to wake up!!!

When I was nine, I saw my cousin's husband beat her. She'd just thrown him out of the house a couple of weeks before. They had a four-year-old and a one-year-old.
He came to the door saying he wanted to see the kids, when she opened the door to tell him to leave, he forced his way in and jumped on top of her hitting her in the face.
He left after my sister called the police. The whole thing probably lasted less than 10 minutes, but in my adolescent mind, it was an eternity. That was the first time domestic violence ever hit that close to home.
I had only seen men beat their wives on television. I had no reason to believe it actually happened. My father didn't beat my mother and to my knowledge, my grandfather never beat my grandmother.
All this happened nearly 18 years ago and I have never forgotten it. My point is, I never will. I still remember the fear in my cousin's eyes and the sheer evil that was in the eyes of her now ex-husband. The whole thing amazed, frightened and saddened me all at the same time.
A little more than a week ago, when news broke that Chris Brown and Rhianna had a domestic incident that resulted in assault on Rhianna, it brought all those feelings back and I don't even know them.
It seems like since everybody started watching Lifetime Movies on Sunday afternoons that we've all become desensitized to domestic violence. We don't hear about it until October during Domestic Violence Awareness Month or a woman in your city has been killed by her abusive husband and the evening news decides to throw the public some statistics.
Our society is based so much on living vicariously through our entertainers and following their every move, it almost feels like I do know them. If that's not enough, I have a couple of young nieces who are in love with that boy and have the nerve to defend him.
Friday night, I sat down to discuss with my 10-year-old niece why she thinks he didn't do it. It went a little something like this:
Niece: He wouldn't do that.
Me: Why the hell not?
Niece: Because he's Chris Brown.
Me: All the more reason for him to believe he could get away with it.
Niece: Well how do you know he did it?
Me: I don't. But if he got arrested for assault on a female, there's a pretty good chance it happened.
Niece: Well, people who didn't do it go to jail all the time.
Me: You're right, but in domestic violence cases, police tend to arrest the aggressors.
Niece: What's an ah-gress-rr?
Me: It's the person who did the most damage.
Niece: Well how you know that she wasn't the ah-gress-rr?
Me: I don't know. But the reports say that she had visable signs that she was abused.
Niece: She coulda just got in a fight with somebody else.
Me: You're right, but the chances are pretty good it was him.
Did I tell ya'll she was 10? I'm gonna get this kid into somebody's law school or j-school, she'd be great at either!
Anyway, odds are you know someone who has been affected by domestic violence in one way or another. I challenge you all to educate yourselves and others. If you are involved in an abusive relationship, get out and get help or get help so you can get out.
Love is not supposed to hurt, it's supposed to be "patient, kind, not puffed up" and everything else it says in I Corinthians. Today is the day that those blood sucking retailers and gullible people have set aside for "love," so let's remember what it actually means.
Make everyday Valentine's Day, tell your loved ones how you feel about them and by all means, keep your hands to yourself!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

It is O-FISH-AL!!!

I am getting old as all hell! Why is this an issue at the age of 26? I'm glad you asked!
Earlier this evening, I got a little bored and started watching videos on YouTube. Now I know you guys are familiar with the craziness that is on that site but for some reason, I decided to look up the foolishness that is "The Stanky Leg."
I know, I know, but I had to see what all the fuss was about and exactly why it is called "The Stanky Leg." After watching a couple of these crazy looking videos, I see now that it is called "The Stanky Leg" because that is exactly what it looks like.

Of course with that foolishness, the box with related videos showed other foolishness like those damn "Crank Dat ..." videos and this foolishness.
Whatever happened to dances like "The Electric Slide" and "The Tootsie Roll." Hell, I'd even take "The Achy Breaky" over the nonsense that is "The Stanky Leg" and those damn "Crank Dat ..." dances.
Under normal circumstances, I rather enjoy line dances and the like. In fact, everybody in my family will tell you that when "The Cupid Shuffle" comes on, I beat everybody to the dance floor and start the damn dance.

But this mess has left me a lil' disheartened with organized ghetto dancing. Oh well, I guess I'll have to do the line dances created for the older folks, like this one:

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Eight is e-damn-nough!!!

So, I know this is sooooo last week's news, but I am just now getting around to posting about it.
I'm sure you all have heard of Nadya Suleman or at least her great feat of delivering eight babies on the same day. That's is without doubt newsworthy, but perhaps the most newsworthy thing of all is that this woman is single and already had six other children at home.
*Insert all your four-letter expletives and grunts here*
Did I mention that she's unemployed and all the kids are younger than eight? I'll say it for you, "Double Damn!"
OK, so, I was trying to get myself together on this one before I gave my opinion. Part of me says, she's a grown woman and she can do what she wants. Another part of me says, how is she going to take care of all those kids by herself. And yet another part of me is concerned about her mental and emotional well-being.
Let's do the math of how she got all these kids in the first place. First off, according to the Jones Institute for Reproductive medicine, I swear it's not me, the In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) success rate varies based on age and the health of both the male and female donors. I won't bog you down with numbers, but based on my research, for each of the six embryos implanted into Suleman had about a 48 percent chance of survival.
So you see, the fact that all six embryos survived, and two split to form two sets of identical twins, it is no doubt a miracle that this woman was able to carry these babies for as long as she did and that they all survived.
Given that, I say we all praise the Lord and pray for her and her family in the same breath. As a Christian, I know God doesn't make any mistakes, but giving this woman 14 children at the age of 33 leads me to believe that He blinked or sneezed or something.
That woman might as well shave her head and admit herself to a psych ward now. After this, I hope she's had her tubes tied, cut, clipped and burned so that this does not happen again and whatever "friend" she's been getting sperm from needs to stop giving it to her.
Now, the state of California is "probing" into why she was allowed to have more than four embryos implanted at once and they are investigating her doctor. Quite frankly, I think these people need to get out of this woman's uterus and work on something that matters like the damn economy!
The only reason this is even an issue is because this woman is single and because she is unemployed. My question is, who the freak isn't unemployed or in danger of being unemployed? The bottom line is she was impregnated seven months ago, where were all these people then?
They didn't have any reason to step in then and they don't have any reason to step in now. Leave that woman and her uterus alone and let her hit Oprah and Ellen to get some free diapers and clothes and stuff for those kids. She's gonna need it.
In a few interviews last week, Suleman told reporters that she's always wanted a big family to make up for the fact that she was an only child. And she also had three miscarriages over a seven-year period.
This is why I am concerned about her emotional state because from what I understand, once you've lost a baby, you never really recover. Plus, I watch "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" and "Then Came Six" and I see what those families go through with two parents in the house, God only knows what she will go through by herself. My heart goes out to her, it really does.
On a side note, she said she plans to breast feed them all, is it just me or do you think her nipples are going to fall off?

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Old Bitties ...

... need to leave the young chicks alone.
So, I was watching Headline News this morning, like every other morning, and a story came up about Etta James blasting Beyonce for performing "At Last" at the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball.

OK, I saw it and I think she did a great job singing a song while the whole world watched to see her mess up Etta's song. Everybody of every generation since that song came out knows who originated that sound and that awesome song, she doesn't have to put Bey down.
Under normal circumstances, I am all for talking about how Bey is over-saturating the market with herself, but you gotta give credit where credit is due and she deserves the credit for a great performance.
Check it out:

What do you think?
The conversation on Twitter was that they should have just asked James to do it because she is still alive. My answer to that is have you people eh-ver seen her in concert? She's still got it as a vocalist and she probably always will.
But that woman is nasty and I mean nasty like that woman on "Meet the Browns." She was gyrating all over the stage and humping and whatnot at her age. Add to that the fact that she can't go as long as she used to. The whole show, opening acts and all, lasted about an hour. I was so glad I didn't pay for those tickets.
Another old bitty whose time has passed is Faye Dunaway. In response to a remake of the movie "Bonnie & Clyde," where she gave her break out performance, that will star Hilary Duff, she said, "Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?"
Just me or is that some hateration in that dance-o-ree?!
So to not be outdone, Duff has shown that she's not only the younger of the two but she's more equipped as she had more ammo for the "Mommie Dearest" star.
Duff's retort, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is."
She continued, "I think it was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now too."
I effin' LOVE it!!! We haven't even heard from or about Dunaway in years. She should have at least waited until the movie was released to trash it.
All of this just shows me that these women feel like their legacies are threatened by the new starlets. Jealousy is not cute on anyone and it looks even worse on those seasoned folks. I recommend these ladies do something I'm sure they know a lot about.
In the immortal words of the great prophet, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, "Drink some prune juice and let that -ish go!"