Sunday, June 28, 2009

It came to me like an epiphany ...

My shero, Oprah, often speaks about having "aha" moments where in an instant, you get the answer to questions and issues you've carried around forever.
As of late, my life and my situations have been lending themselves to multiple "aha" moments, sometimes several times a day. I can say that today has been one of those days full of "ahas" and realizations. Today's realization: I hurt.
I hurt everywhere, all over and it's the kind of hurt that can't be soothed. My heart hurts, my feelings hurt. Hell, my soul aches. There's not an ointment, a salve, a compress or a damn thing to ease it. It's the kind of hurt that I can't articulate, but the stubborn Taurus inside has to try anyway.
Last night, gathered at my father's house, were a group of family and friends who have made it a habit to come on the weekends since my father's surgery to play cards, drink and have a good time. When everyone left, I noticed that they all left with a mate in tow, my dad's girlfriend was here and I am not ashamed to say that I felt alone.
I felt more alone last night than I have in my whole life. It wasn't that I wanted a significant other to be with, it was that I felt abandoned and disconnected. I think I always have. To the best of my knowledge, I have only felt truly connected to one person and now, that connection no longer exists.
I've been walking around all month long with an attitude, a chip even, that I couldn't shake. One I refused to cry about or even acknowledge went this deep. Today, in church, I realized this relationship, rather the demise of this relationship, has really taken its toll on me, on my mind and my body.
As an emotional eater, I have gained back 10 of the 30 pounds I've lost. My mind is constantly flooded with thoughts of what used to be and what will never be. I have started to process of truly mourning this loss, so came the tears, the unreachable ache and the realization that it is all for the best.
With that said, I'm on hiatus until further notice. I need to take some time and do the work on me that is necessary for me to move forward mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally and creatively. If you know me well enough, you know you can find me on Facebook For those of you who don't, I'm on Twitter at http://twitter.com/tsj2003grad. My Tweets are protected so you'll have to request to follow me.
Until next time, find your inspiration, find your peace and wallow in your creativity.

- Smarty

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tiff,
This is really deep and shows profound maturity. Healing is never easy but once you are on the other side of through...you will rejoice in the victory because it is there that waits the life God has planned for you. The one promised in Jeremiah 29:11. Suffer through Tiff...it is so worth it.

DeeDee said...

No more blogging???? What am I gonna do when 'Da Man' gets on my nerves and I refuse to do anymore of his work? I understand though. Everyone needs some me time. Hell I had it last week and I don't believe it lasted long enough. But I missed my family so I had to come back to reality. See you on Facebook.

Demon Hunter said...

Smarty,
Do what you need to do. Remember, I'm a neigbor in the next state.
;-) I just got back to bloggin myself. I got married in March and now I'm back, plus I've been researching for my next writing project. Check in and let me know how you're doing. E-mail me. :-)