The Book, The Final Episode

OK class, so yesterday, we learned (or already knew) from "Think Like a Lady, Act Like a Man," that men are simple, they need three things for relationship survival and they are not talkers. The day before that we learned that they are driven by three things and they love differently than we do.
I've also shared some personal situations and emotions in relation to this book with you. I told you yesterday that the part of the book that stated that men don’t talk is where I started to get pissed off. It’s not that I saw myself or my situation. It just kind of bothered me that this is the information that the author, Steve Harvey, felt is appropriate to teach women.
Harvey states over and over in his interviews that he is no expert, but be prepared for the title when you write a book that becomes a “relationship/self-help” guide or manual. Since he’s thrust himself in the position, allow me to crucify his ass like one.
With that said …

ACT LIKE A LADY
It is no secret that a large majority of women of color who are college educated, sometimes with multiple degrees, successful in their careers are single. In a lot of cases it is by choice, but with my friends and me, it is more by circumstance than anything else.
Apparently, strong and successful women intimidate a lot of men because we either put out a vibe or they determine by looking at us that we don’t need a man. I’ll wait while you roll your eyes, suck you teeth and laugh …According to Harvey, before men look at us, they size us up based on what we’re wearing and how we carry ourselves (I hate that phrase) and determine whether or not they can “afford” us. *smh* If we’re wearing nice clothes, carrying expensive designer bags with our hair and nails done, wearing fabulous shoes with flawless make-up, the “average” man determines that we are taking care of ourselves and by their definition not needing a man to take care of us.
*smdh*
First of f$%kin’ all, I have never been the make-up, dressing up type chick who cared about name brand anything. Give me some jeans that fit and a pair of Nikes, some lip gloss and I’m cool! That's the kind of girl I am LoL. Harvey basically said I am camouflage. LoL. Ohh-kay.
In the same chapter, he also says that we need all of that to make ourselves aesthetically pleasing to them. So by his logic, the things that attract men also repel them. I thought they were supposed to be simple. *hmph*
The book says that over time, women have evolved into these strong beings out of necessity because men have been making babies and running out on the women for the past three generations so we’ve had to make up for what we missed having men around.
I can see that. What I can’t see is how we evolved but men haven’t. By this logic, we have to cast aside the things we were taught by our mothers and our grandmothers about being strong and not taking any -ish from men.
For example, where some of my female counterparts shudder at things like spiders and mice and others of us just get rid of the damn pest by any means necessary, we’re supposed to jump on chairs, scream and point so he can poke out his chest and swoop in like Captain Save ‘Em and take care of it.
By Harvey’s logic, we have taken away two of the three ways a man shows his love. We’ve eliminated provision and protection. Pardon me, but this is a crock of shit!

SHOW HIM GRATITUDE
If that isn’t enough, we are supposed to congratulate them for their “help” if they step in and wash a dish, do a load of laundry, wash the car, cut the grass and everything else their asses should be helping with to keep a household going.
If this is being lady like and the reason I am still single, thank you Jesus and three other black men! I can not will not stroke anybody’s ego. And I especially don’t reward people for the –ish that they should be doing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying let all the good deeds go unmentioned. Even a dog likes to hear they are being a good dog. But, I am not going to break my neck to thank you and/or throw you down to violate you every damn time you do what you are supposed to do.
I tell you what I will do though. Men like sports, right? Nothing says "Job well done," like a pat on the ass. I say every time dudes take out the trash, cut the grass, wash the car, anything to help out, I say we pat 'em on the ass! We could start a brand new craze that sweeps the nation.
Honestly, aren't relationships are designed to be a give and take kind of situation? To paraphrase a couple I interviewed earlier this year who has been married nearly 49 years, “(relationships) aren’t always 50/50. Sometimes, I don’t have 50. Sometimes, I might only have 30 and she has to make up the other 70.”

WHAT I THINK
So, my logic begs the question, will I act this way to get a man. The answer to that is not just no – HELL NO! And if men are honest with themselves, they don’t want this either. According to my own independent research, men want honesty, they want real women, well how in the hell are we gonna be honest and real running around playing the damsel in distress to a man who get validation from killing a mouse? *smh*
Call it what you will, but asking me to put aside my strength and independence is asking me to shed the very essence of my being. If this is lady like, I don’t want it. Is this is what I have to do for love, I’ll be OK. I’ll take Madea’s advice and get a puppy and a gold fish for company and somebody to light up and be happy when I get home at night. *smh*
Harvey calls this “playing the game” and I can’t get with that. We’re grown now. It’s time out for playing games – these kinds of games anyway. I don’t play games with my heart. This is the very reason I don’t like to make decisions based on how I feel because other mofos are out here playing “games.’ *smh*
And to think, I thought this dude had something to say.

WHAT I'LL TAKE WITH ME
Overall, I have to say that this book has opened my eyes to my own power as a woman. I'm not sitting over here with the evil laugh or anything but the ball is definitely in my court. And yours too ladies.
Ultimately, we have the final say so in how men treat us. I love Betty Wright, but she was wrong when she said, "Having a piece of man is better than having no man at all." If you settle for less, you get what you deserve.
It's all up to us, ladies. Men treat us as bad as we let them and it all begins with our standards or the lack thereof. That much I agree with Harvey on. He even gave a list of 10 questions for women to ask themselves to formulate our standards and requirements. I have yet to answer these questions for myself because I am still working on my answers. Our resident RBW, Eb the Celeb did answer them, though. Go take a look to see what she had to say.
Well, that's all I got. It's up to you now. Read the book - or don't. It's up to you. It's entertainment if nothing else. :)

The Book, Part 3

Yesterday, I delved into some of the things in Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," that stuck out to me. Scroll down, you'll see things like, "What Drives Men," and "How They Love."
While these things stuck out to me and brought insight, the following enlightened me and annoyed me at the same time. Again, I'm mildly impressed because I've never felt both things at the same time.

MEN ARE SIMPLE
Well duh! I've been saying that for years. One of my fellow bloggers, The Jaded Nyer, even says that the Y-chromosome is a birth defect. LMAO!!!
While I won't go that far with it, I will agree that they are simple. Real simple. Like, boiling water simple. That's not a bad thing, it's actually a good thing, that means it doesn't take much to make you happy.
At least it seems like it doesn't take much to make you happy. You are all far more complicated than this book lets on. I'm not saying that I'm looking to this book for ALL the answers but Harvey is telling half-truths.

WHAT THEY NEED
The book says you only need three things: love, loyalty and support and the Cookie.
Apparently men need our love, that's a given, I think. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they don't feel loved. If they do, I think that's a cry for help that you just need a warm body next to you and there are deeper issues.
Secondly, he says they need loyalty and support. He's basically saying that a man wants to know their woman is gonna be their ride or die chick no matter what. I took this to mean that they want us in their corner for all the decisions they make no matter how crazy or rash we think they are, they need to know that we'll support them in it and that we will love only them.
I can understand that. That's what women want too. All I'm saying is reciprocity is the name of the game!
Last but certainly not least, men need The Cookie and I don't mean Toll House either! The book, and every man I know, say they need sex like they need food and air so it's cruel to make them wait for it. *smh* Make up your damn minds is what I say.
Every man with a daughter or a sister or a cousin that they treat like a sister is going to tell a woman to hold on to her most prized possession. I got the "Don't let a dude talk you out of your draws" talk more times than I can remember, yet ya'll say you need it. *smh*
Ladies, a word from the wise - you can not control a man with sex. He'll go get it somewhere else, they always can. That is basically what Harvey says in the book, but I've seen it with my own four eyes. Holding out NEVER turns out well.
Hell, I know so many women who hold out to prove a point. I still don't get that. I have never been that chick. My logic has always been, "Cause you mad I can't get none?" That's ri-damn-diculous!
Shoot, give him some and still be mad! That will mess him up! OK, that was me talking. Let's get back to the book.

MEN DON'T TALK
Another thing that Harvey said in the book that is hella obvious to me is men are fixers, not talkers. I agree with that to a certain degree. Lemme explain.
I work in a highly stressful field. In previous jobs, I have been threatened, called all kinds of racial slurs, found nooses, you name it, it's probably happened to me. Sometimes, I just want to vent. Hell, sometimes I need to vent. You can't walk around with all this stuff bottled up inside you, that's how people go postal.
On separate occasions, I have called my father, my brothers and the dude I mentioned yesterday to vent. The problem with that is I could barely do it, they all interrupted me offering solutions when I just wanted to put it all out there. Then it became an argument because I told them, I don't need them to fix it, I just want them to listen.
I think, perhaps, the more accurate way to say this is men don't talk to women because they damn sure talk to each other. They may not do it over coffee or a glass of wine or in the middle of the book club meeting, but they do talk. They talk to each other during half time, on the golf course, at the gym, shooting pool. I guess doing manly things takes the femininity out of actually talking through your issues.
Harvey advises that in the event you do need to talk to your man, never begin the conversation with "We need to talk," because he puts up his defenses and he is then hearing defensively. According to Harvey when men hear those four words, the immediate thought is, "What I do now?!" He advises to begin with, "Nothing's wrong, I just need to vent for a few minutes," or just start talking about the issue.
Either way, this is around the time this book started pissing me off again and I started taking issue with Mr. Harvey's words.

***More to come tomorrow***

The Book, Part 2

So, yesterday, I gave you guys a couple of reasons why I decided to read "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." I told you that most of what is in the book is information that deep down in our heart of hearts, women already knew.
I can't speak for all women, but I can speak for me and some of this, I knew. There's something funny though, even when you know stuff, there's something about seeing it in print that makes it true.
To start, I'll give you a brief synopsis of my background. I am the baby of my family. I have two older brothers, an older sister, two step-brothers and a step-sister. My parents split when I was four, I'm not sure why, but I have my suspicions.
In high school, I played sports and participated in my school's JROTC program. This gave me an opportunity to hang out with a lot of guys. In hanging out with these guys, and having a father and a brother who have been known to date more than one woman at a time, you pick up on stuff - a lot of stuff!

WHAT DRIVES MEN
In the book, Steve Harvey says that there are three things that drive a man: who he is, what he does and how much money he makes. According to Harvey, a man is not ready to settle down and take on the responsibilities of a wife and family until he is confident in all three areas.
I knew that, for the most part. Like most women, I applied the book to my current and past dealings with men (and boys) to get a better understanding. When I read this, I started to understand why I have been disregarded and written off at certain times in my young life.
For example, I am currently in love (yea I said it) with a dude that I been on a merry-go-round with since the 10th grade! In our adult lives, we have each other's everything, best friend, pal, confidant - you know, all the stuff in The Golden Girls theme song and R. Kelly's joint "Homie Lover Friend."
We've never had the "adult relationship" that I want. Without going into the details and pissing myself off, I will say that Harvey made a lot of sense with this statement. This dude knows who he is, he knows what he wants to do and he's taking the steps to get there because he knows how much he is going to make.
He's about to graduate in May with a master's in public administration and take the certified public accountant exam in December. (Yes, he is a nerd, just like me!)
Because he's been on his grind, working full-time and going to school full-time, he barely has enough time to sleep, let alone give me all of what I need to feel secure and loved. So, I understand.

HOW THEY LOVE
As I read further, Harvey says that a man shows his love differently than a woman. Where we, ladies, like to coddle and spoil our men they show their love by doing three things: professing, protecting and providing.
Basically, if a man loves you, he wants everyone within ear shot to know that you belong to him. It sounds cave man-like, but whatever. Anyway, Harvey says that if a man loves the woman he's with and has plans for her, he will introduce her as his lady, his girlfriend, his fiance, his future wife or whatever his intentions are for you.
With that said, if he introduces you as a friend or simply by your name, hang it up, he has no intentions for you beyond friendship. He will sleep with you, but he won't wife you up! I won't lie, when I read this, it pissed me off. I put the book down for about a week. I was mad. I've only ever been introduced by this particular dude as a friend.
Anyway, after a week of brooding and being depressed, I picked the book up again and the depression subsided because he then moved on to the protecting portion.
Said dude has always been the type to walk between me and cars, putting himself between me and strange people (particularly dudes), he was ready to jump on the highway and drive 12 hours to promptly whoop some ass after a man had offended me back in the day at my first job. This dude even offered to buy me a gun when I lived in my first apartment all alone because I needed "protection."
It made me smile.
When I got to the part about providing, my smile grew to an all out grin because according to this book, a man will move heaven and earth to provide for the woman he loves. Providing means paying the bills and buying the food and providing all those things that people need, the food, shelter and clothing.
Of the 11 years we've been going back and forth, I don't recall paying for a single thing. A stick of gum, a soda, nothing - haven't paid for it. I've tried, he won't let me always saying, "let me be a man!" LoL. So, I let him. I don't even offer anymore. I'm letting him be the man. Whatever that means.

More to come tomorrow. Stay tuned.